I was trying to comfort someone through a loss recently. She is a friend of a friend, so she didn't fully understand my losses. My friend had no experience in the matter and sent her to me thinking I could help. After sharing with her and doing the best I could to relieve some of her anguish I decided to put my experience into words. It was by far the hardest loss I had ever experienced and I didn't know if I would even be able to. I was very surprised to find how therapeutic it was. My hope is that other women who might be going through the same thing may feel a little less alone in such a lonely time.
In 2005 after 6yrs of marriage and trying to concieve unsuccessfully I was blessed to find a Dr. who actually listened to me. I was diagnosed with Insulin Resistant PCOS. I started a strict low carb diet and Metformin, I was able to lose 20 lbs without really even trying and for the 1st time in a long time I was able to walk more than a few feet without feeling like my knees were going to buckle under my own weight. Once I was able to exercise the weight came off like crazy. I lost 100lbs but we still weren't pregnant, so on to Clomid, an ovulation stimulant. I started it in October 2005, 3 cycles at 50mg but nothing. We went to 100mg and on Valentines day 2006, I was shocked when I got my first positive pregnancy test, ever.
I was so excited, the first thing I did was call my Doctor's office. That's when I was told for the first time they could no longer treat me as they didn't take OB patients with my insurance.I was so upset because I know how hard it is to find a Doctor that gives a damn, but what else could I do? I found a large Ob/Gyn that took my insurance, and they were highly recommended. They did all the normal expensive blood work, had me come in to talk about how I would pay them, but wouldn't allow me see a Dr. Not until I was 14 weeks anyway, even with all the problems I had just getting pregnant. Hindsight is 20/20, had I known then what I know now, I would have demanded I see a Dr. immediately.
At about 9.5 weeks I got very sad, no explanation, but I felt something was wrong. My mom asked me to come up and see them, thinking it might cheer me up. They live about an hour from here. On my way up I had this ominous feeling come over me. I couldn't explain it, but I just had this feeling and it wouldn't go away. When I got to my Mom's she had a surprise she was putting a stroller together for me. I put my feelings aside and helped her finish putting it together. We finished about 20 minutes after I got there. When I stood up I thought I had peed myself, as I felt warm fluid run down my legs.I went to the bathroom and that's when everythiing changed.
I was bleeding bright red. I screamed for my mom as I sat there on the toilet and felt something drop out of me. When I stood up and looked I saw my baby. In that moment I knew utter devistation. My mom scooped my little one into a container and my parents got me into their car and we sped to the hospital. I was bleeding pretty heavily and blacking out every few minutes.
When we got to the ER the Dr. on call, not an OB, looked in the container and solemly confirmed what we thought. That we had miscarried. They called the on-call OB. (Who turned out to be our amazing home waterbirth Dr. David Hayes, but that's another post) When he arrived an ultrasound was ordered to make sure everything was gone so we wouldn't have to do a D&C. Shockingly during the U/S there was a baby alive and moving around with a healthy heartbeat. I didn't even know I had been pregnant with twins. Unfortunately, they also found alot of blood in the uterus.
Baby 2 made it another 24hrs and I was able to see my little one one more time on an U/S an hour before my body betrayed me and expelled our little one. My Dr. told me he recommended a D&C, so that physically I wouldn't have to deal with the M/C as long. That's what I did.
Besides the physical pain, I was an emotional wreck for weeks. I would wake up in the middle of the night and for a split second it wouldn't seem real but then reality would overwhelm me and I would feel so empty. My poor husband woke up many times to me sobbing in the middle of the night. I would do so well, consiously forgetting the loss so I could make it through the day. Then my breasts would ache or my uterus would contract and then a flood of hormones, sadness and tears would follow.
I was in school for massage therapy at the time and I couldn't make it through the day without an emotional breakdown. It didn't help that there were two other students that were pregnant at the time. I was eventually asked to take a leave as I was a distraction to the other students. We compromised and I moved into a night class, I only had 2 months left and I somehow made it.
We started trying again as soon as the next cycle arrived. Another round of 100mg Clomid and amazingly another positive home pregnancy test. This time I wasn't ecstatic I was petrified would God really give me something so special only to take it away again. I tested positive 2 days before graduation. Which worked out well since I was so worried about losing this little one. I am not exaggerating here, I literally sat on my couch for 5 months afraid to move or sneeze.
January 24th, 2007 we had an all natural waterbirth and our little blessing Ava was born with the help of Dr. Hayes. When Ava was 6 months we decided to try again just in case it took us another 6 years. We actually got pregnant rather quickly this time.
September 24th, 2007 I got my 3rd Positive pregnancy test, but sadly started spotting a week later, all pregnancy symptoms dissappeared and after a beta another M/C was confirmed. This time was much easier both physically and emotionally. I don't know if it is because I didn't have the fear of never knowing motherhood in the back of my mind or that the pregnancy never really took which meant less changes to have to deal with. Either way it was easier to deal with, but in retrospect still a loss, and I still shed tears for what may have been.
We started trying again right away and January 4th, 2008 we got our second "sticky BFP". That's what every woman who has ever visited a website for infertility/pregnancy loss is hoping for. A Big Fat Postive that turns into a baby that "sticks". Well this sticky baby turned into Josie, our second home water birth assisted by Dr. Hayes.
Life in itself is such a curious thing though, I remember those little ones lost and I mourn them, sometimes at the most random of moents. However I remind myself, had those spirits not moved on and made room in my womb. I would not have these two blessings, for which I can't imagine life without...
I hope this helps anyone who is or has gone through this , I truly know the pain you are feeling right now it is unexplainable and overwhelming, but I can say it get's easier. You will never forget your little one, it doesn't matter if you give birth to a live baby or lose them in utero, you are still a mom and have all the emotions that go along with it. Including the unbelievable pain of losing your child too soon.
